Self-Care is Not Self-Improvement

One Sunday morning, I was lying in bed reading from author Anne Lamott’s beautiful little book Small Victories. In one of her stories about parenting, she shares with a little self-deprecation, but mostly tenderness, how she doesn’t bake for PTA fundraisers, is often disorganized and sometimes forgets to follow through on updates from her son’s school. Her ability to accept who she is is both endearing and freeing.

Her story got me thinking about how so many people I meet have a misguided sense about the concept of self-care. I often hear a lot of “shoulds,” and many confess they downright suck at self-care.

A transformational coach/teacher, I have studied, explored, written books about and taught self-care to men and women globally for more than 25 years. I can wholeheartedly share that self-care—a practice that has changed my life more than any other—is NOT about:

-fixing yourself or turning yourself into a “makeover version” of you
-trying to become someone who “has it all together” or who’s always wise and calm
-being perfect or doing what our parents, friends or the media say we should do to be our best selves (ex: go gluten-free or do more yoga)
-striving to be more worthy through accomplishing more or adhering to society’s list of “shoulds” around parenting, relationships or (fill in the blank)
-spending a bunch of money on services or products that are supposed to make us more fit, beautiful, smart, etc.

Self-care isn’t about self-improvement. It’s not about a goal you strive for. And it’s not about becoming YOU version 2.0. It’s about meeting yourself where you are with a soft and open heart. It’s believing “your ordinary self is enough.” It’s feeling safe enough to show up in the world 100% you and inherently giving others permission to do the same.

Self-care is about attuning and responding to your needs and desires moment to moment (watch a video). It’s about being compassionate with yourself when you bump up against your faults and treating yourself with the same love and tenderness you would have for a four-year-old who’s had a really hard day. It’s not about adding something to your to-do list, cracking the whip, or finally getting in shape. The true art of self-renewal is about cultivating a kinder, gentler relationship with yourself and asking for and receiving the nurturing and nourishment you truly need– whether that’s a hug or a shoulder to cry on. It’s knowing that YOU have your back. And that no matter what you say, do or flub– you will not abandon yourself.

TAKE ACTION: This week, notice how you treat and talk to yourself. How would you describe the relationship? Do you sound like a drill sergeant, a loving grandparent or a wise and trusted mentor? Share your observations with someone you trust. I’d love to support you in learning the art/science of self-care and cultivating a kinder/gentler relationship with yourself at an upcoming retreat or through one of my self-care teleclasses (audio classes you can access 24/7). Let me know how I can support you in having a kinder, gentler relationship with yourself.

Warmly,

SEEKING SUPPORT FOR SELF-CARE & RESILIENCY? HERE ARE FOUR OPPORTUNITIES:

• Join me for a fall self-renewal retreat: September 19 – 21^st at The Art of Living Retreat Center in Boone, NC or October 24 – 26^th at Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health in the Berkshire Mountains, MA for Soul Tending: Cultivating Grace, Power and Intuition ~ A Women’s Self-Renewal Retreat.  Both will fill quickly!
• Schedule me to speak in 2025-26. Did you know my primary work is speaking professionally at national/regional conferences, employee events and to companies/organizations worldwide? I love weaving neuroscience, life balance strategies, mindfulness & resiliency practices to create unforgettable workshops & presentations that help people feel more creative, focused, resourced and alive. Learn more about my speaking here.
• Lead women’s groups/retreats! Secrets to Facilitating Life-Changing Women’s Groups/Retreats in Uncertain Times ~ an online, self-paced mentoring course. Would you like to empower women in your area in 2025 through facilitating women’s groups/retreats? Based on Renee’s 30+ years experience training 450+ facilitators and teaching at world-renowned retreat centers like Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health, this supportive, empowering on-demand video course offers everything you need to start facilitating women’s circles and retreats. Only $195. Learn more.
• Wild Souls Nature Adventures (based in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Western NC): authentic movement classes, community song circles, full moon hikes, meditation/resiliency workshops, women’s circles & more. Have me design a custom experience for your team/friends. Next Wild Souls Authentic Movement class: May 4th.  Learn more.