4 Ways to Invite in Self-Compassion

Lately, I’ve been dancing with my friend, overwhelm. I’m navigating several major life transitions (moving, hiring/training a team member, building a new home, healing from a health challenge); when this happens, our brains shut down from processing more than we can handle.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling particularly taxed. I could feel my heart racing and my body tightening. I inhaled deeply, exhaled, and I paused. Putting my self-care first, I headed to my forest-based morning workout and touched the trees, watched the clouds drift across the blue sky and smelled the fresh pine. After gaining some perspective, I reminded myself that I’m moving through some of the most stressful life transitions ever. It’s time for me to make myself a giant “self-compassion” peach smoothie with a big dollop of gentleness. 

One time when I was leading a retreat at Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health in the Berkshire Mountains (join me here in one month, Oct 24-26th), during our conversation on self-care, a mother from Amsterdam shared with our circle of women that her three-year-old daughter calls herself “little sweetie.” The mom remarked, “I often hear my daughter roaming around the house saying … it’s ok little sweetie, you’re tired, you need a nap … it’s ok, little sweetie, you’re hungry and need some strawberries.” Or to her mom, “Little sweetie is sad, she needs a hug.” The only way this young girl knew to treat herself was with loving kindness; she hadn’t been taught there was any reason to act otherwise. (She inspired the rest of us to refer to ourselves as “little sweetie” for the duration of the retreat!)

I wonder what our culture might be like if we taught self-compassion as a sought-after skill to be developed and honed—as equally valued as hard work and perseverance? Can you imagine hearing teachers and other influential mentors regularly remind their students and peers, “Be gentle with yourself.”

Want to cultivate more self-compassion?  Here are four ideas that have helped me:

1. Find and post a picture of yourself between the ages of three and five and see how this image shifts your perspective and ability to be easier on yourself; you’re still that same little person! (This is little Renee, above, at age four.)
2. Take a 30,000-foot view and find perspective. We’re all juggling so much: economic shifts, health challenges, career changes, parenting/caregiving woes, relationship work—so much big life stuff! Give yourself a break. You have a lot going on and are doing the best you can.
3. Reach out for support: have a heart-to-heart with a dear friend who holds the highest and best for you. A kind conversation can help us loosen our hold on what’s “right or wrong” and help us see things with softer, gentler eyes.
4. Practice modeling this for your family members, friends and coworkers: if you’re a parent, instilling in your children the value of being kind to themselves supports lower stress levels, heightened self-esteem and greater resiliency. Let them hear, “I had a challenging day, I’m doing the best I can.” The same goes for coworkers.

Often when I’m being hard on myself, I will take a long, slow, deep breath, place my hands over the center of my chest and ask, “What do you need Renee?” inviting in self-compassion. When I can remember to soften and open my heart—and be gentle with myself—it helps me see others in a whole new light.

Warmly,

WANT SUPPORT FOR PRIORITIZING YOUR SELF-CARE? HERE ARE FOUR OPPORTUNITIES: